


The Problem With Loving Stiles Stilinski

by kadeccasinclair



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: F/M, Hurt Lydia, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-04-22
Packaged: 2018-03-22 19:56:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3741670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kadeccasinclair/pseuds/kadeccasinclair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Here's the problem with loving Stiles Stilinski.</p><p>You'll grow to care for him, you'll comfort him when he's tired and cold, and you'll lose him. After you finally get over the tears and move on, he'll come back and you'll be just as lost as you were in the beginning because you can't help but love him even when your left in his dust. You'll realize that you can't move on from him no matter how hard you try and you'll toss your head in your hands because you know that this is no way to live.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not okay.

Here's the problem with loving Stiles Stilinski.

You'll grow to care for him, you'll comfort him when he's tired and cold, and you'll lose him. After you finally get over the tears and move on, he'll come back and you'll be just as lost as you were in the beginning because you can't help but love him even when your left in his dust. You'll realize that you can't move on from him no matter how hard you try and you'll toss your head in your hands because you know that this is no way to live. 

 

Here's the problem with loving Stiles Stilinski.

You'll fix him. When he's crumbling down, you'll pick him up. You'll chase the stars and back to get the solutions that you need and you'll hide the truth about what happened down in those tunnels from him because you know the guilt will destroy him. You stay with him, day and night, crying softly to yourself so that he won't hear your suffering and will focus on his own. After all, he matters more than you.

 

Here's the problem with loving Stiles Stilinski.

He'll meet the model-status brunette werecoyote and you won't be able to do anything but watch. You'll see her waltz in and suddenly, you won't matter anymore. Occasionally, he'll pull you in to a hug but it's not the same because every time you go to a pack meeting all you'll see if hurt, unfixed wounds, and jealousy. But you won't do anything because you love Stiles Stilinski and as long as he's happy, you're happy. 

 

Here's the problem with loving Stiles Stilinski

You'll be so hurt that you find yourself lost trying to find someone to rely on. You won't dare approach Scott because you know that he has enough on his plate and he doesn't need you to make it even worst. You'll cry at the feet of Alison's grave because you desperately need her right now and will feel the touch of a certain deputy. He'll pull you into a hug as you sob, your tears rolling out and staining the ground of those you buried with your own failures. With no one else to turn to, you'll curl up on the deputy's couch next to him and fall asleep on his shoulder before calling him by his first name for the first time. A smile will be on your face because you felt that flutter inside your stomach, the biggest sign of recovery since everything has happened. 

 

Here's the problem with loving Stiles Stilinski

You'll go to the finest restaurants of Beacon Hills to pick up food and ride back in the nick of time to hand your boyfriend his lunch, smiling goofily as he pecks your cheek and confirms that he'll be at the diner at 7. Time will fly by as you pick what to wear and you'll realize that the pang of pain that screams "Alison" when ever you dress up pretty for a date has been reduced to just a hum. You'll forget all about Stiles Stilinski on your way to the diner before you see him there, eating with the werecoyote that you brought into his life. 

 

Here's the problem with loving Stiles Stilinski

You'll run into the bathroom, tears barely holding off. The mascara that you had applied will run and stain your skin black, painting your own heavy heart on the surface of your cheeks. Sobs will erupt as you cry in the empty bathroom and you'll text Jordan to meet you back at your place. You'll look in the mirror and feel the months of putting yourself back together with Jordan's gentle touch fall apart with every emotion bleeding out. Pain will be ubiquitous and you'll punch the mirror finding that the pain erupting from your fist calms down your nerves. You'll watch your hand slam into the mirror over and over until blood is everywhere and running through your own reflection.

 

Here's the problem with loving Stiles Stilinski

You'll get assigned in a group with Malia and Stiles and you'll be screaming inside but will fake a smile anyways. You'll watch as all the pressure to do all the work and manage the research stack on top of you until the wall is so high that you can't reach the top. You won't have a choice when Malia and Stiles have their fight and rip up all the work you've been doing for the past week when the project is due tomorrow, an assignment they haven't even touched. A tear will begin to make it's way to your eyelid but you'll choke back the sound until it resonates in the hollowness of your body and you'll smile again, your cheeks too tired to go any further. You'll smile and you'll collapse on the ground when they leave because you are exhausted.

 

Here's the problem with loving Stiles Stilinski

You'll know that there's no way to protect Beacon Hills if you can't stay up long enough and maintain the grades to get a scholarship to Berkeley, something you need with the loss of your mother. At first, you'll promise to yourself that it'll be just one pill. You'll take one pill to give yourself energy before another pill is popped in your mouth...and another. You'll be so dependent on them that when the guy that was supposed to deliver your energy to you is gone, you'll scream a bloodcurdling scream before fainting, your vision turning black.

 

Here's the problem with loving Stiles Stilinski

You'll wake up, instinctively searching for the boy with amber eyes only to be met by another boy, this one with brown hair and brown eyes. Your happy, but you can't help but feel even emptier without amber eyes looking intently to you. Scott and Kira will be outside with Derek and Liam before coming in as a group to lecture you about allowing other packmates to take some of the burden. You'll want to ask about where Stiles is, but you'll be cut off by the doctor before you have a chance. You'll hear words but you won't care about any of them. Malnourishment. Depression. Drug Abuse. Self-Destructive Behavior. Even though you've learned about all of these things and how life-threatening these are, you won't care and for the first time, you'll admit to yourself that you no longer care about your own life.

 

Here's the problem with loving Stiles Stilinski

You'll scream in the mirror and grab a shard of the broken glass that you smashed after your mother died. Slashing it across your wrists, you'll relish in the feeling of numbness and the closing off of thoughts about Alison, about Aiden, about Stiles, that you get too often. The crimson will trickle from you, and you won't do a thing to stop it until you get dizzy. You'll close the wound and go to sleep, sleeping through the whole night for the first time in six months. You won't dream about him, and you won't have nightmares about him leaving you. For now, that's enough.

 

Here's the problem with loving Stiles Stilinski

You'll get your confident up, break things off with Jordan, and prepare a whole speech about how much you love him to confess your feelings with. He and Malia had broken him, and you'll realize that it's your chance now. You'll be smiling yourself silly and Kira will be asking what has gotten into you but you'll march up to Stiles.

"Stiles, I know we haven't talked-," you'll start before Malia strides in and slams his lips to hers. Your mouth will open in shock, and you'll feel the pain return. 

"Can we talk later?" He'll say to you, breaking apart from Malia for just one second. You'll nod too quickly before excusing yourself and running to your car. 

 

Here's the problem with loving Stiles Stilinski

Your feelings will be so hurt and your body will feel like it's shutting down. It's not just that Malia and him are back together, it's that things will go back to what they were. He'll leave you again and that's what's been on your nightmares. You'll feel such sorrow and you'll call him in a fit of anger, only to be answered with nothing. The heart that you once wore so proudly will have completely crumbled and you remember what spurred your confidence to talk to Stiles about your feelings. You'll remember the feeling that you had in the mirror in the morning, the feeling to scream, and you'll cry because you need to tell him how you feel before you die.

 

Here's the problem with loving Stiles Stilinski

You'll let the phone go to voicemail and start talking. Every ounce of emotion will be poured into your message and you'll let your tears dot your dress before ending the call. Your engine will start moving and your tears will still dot your cheeks, staining the glass, before a black SUV crashes into your small Mini Cooper and darkness swallows your world. Before you fully lose conscious, you'll whisper three words to the hollow air. 

 

Here's the problem with loving Stiles Stilinski

Everything


	2. Picture Perfect In a Broken Frame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott and the rest of the Pack deals with the fallout of Lydia's car crash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To me, Scott will always be the brother Lydia never had. He is so protective of her and desperately wishes for her wellbeing. To think that something like a car crash could actually happen to Lydia (rumors and the teaser pictures!!) I can only imagine how devastated that Scott would feel. The next chapter is Stiles! Keep reading! I love you all.

_**"Death doesn't happen to you. It happens to everyone around you."** _

_**"You're my best friend. You're my brother.** _ _**"** _

_**"You are my new best friend."** _

_**"It has to be someone who can pull you back. Someone that has a strong connection to you."** _

_**"No one really cares until you're broken and can't be fixed."** _

_**"I love you."** _

 

**The Brother**

Scott threw his head into his hands. Sobs wracked his body as he listened to the hum of the lights overhead. The only thing that kept him from breaking apart fully was the constant beat of Lydia's heart inside the operation room that he was listening to. Several times during the hour he had thought that the heartbeat had stopped and he had roared in anguish. 

He looked at the clock through his blurry vision. It had felt like an eternity since his mother had called him.

* * *

 

_"Scott, get to the hospital now." She spoke in frantic whispers, her voice cracking. "It's Lydia. She was targeted in a car crash."_

_Scott's heart stopped. A thousand thoughts were pumping into his mind as he struggled to find anything that may have indicated that something would happen to the strawberry blonde girl. Just as he was about to scream in frustration, he thought back to the morning. She had given him a box of chocolate, pecked him on the cheek, and had told him exactly how much he meant to her. After almost bursting into tears, she had told him that he had to take care of the Pack when she couldn't. He hadn't known at first what she had meant but now he did. The realization dawned on him and immediately he wanted to throw up. She had known that she was going to die._

* * *

 

He had seen her decline over a long period of time. After Alison's death, she had hid in her room. When he had visited her, all he could smell was that of tears and a distant scent of blood. The next day, she had gone to school dressed like she normally did with not even a single strand of hair out of place. Lydia had smiled at everyone and had quietly accepted the pity but he had seen right past her facade. There was no way that someone could be so cheery and strong after their best friend had died.

But he hadn't done anything. Sure Scott had cared, but he needed her comfort so much that he forgot that she needed comfort. Afterwards, he had gotten so immersed with the business with Kira and his father that he hadn't gotten the chance to confront her. Scott McCall, the True Alpha, had seen Lydia's body become skin and bones and her arms become slashes but the thing that hurt most was not that she had done such cruelties to herself. The thing that hurt the most and the thing that wracked him up inside with too much guilt was the fact that he had seen her downward spiral but hadn't done a thing to help her. 

Sophomore year he had thought that she was just some shallow and bratty schoolgirl. He hadn't gotten to know the heart inside Lydia or witnessed how much love was on her face whenever she was around the Pack. Over time, he had learned just how selfless she was and how much she wanted to see the good in people. Scott had watched her bravery as she stood up to villains like the Nogitsune or some of her own personal demons. He had seen her baggy eyes as she spent day and night researching for the sake of the Pack and the dedication even on recreation nights.

Come to think of it, she hadn't even been to any fun Pack nights for a long time. Lydia had distanced herself from everyone and let herself be neglected by those that she loved the most when she was at her worst. 

* * *

 

_"Scott, disregard what she said. You're not a monster. You are my friend and you are like my brother. She just can't understand." Her emerald eyes looked right into his soul. "You are the kind of boy that would never abandon anyone. Monsters leave people, but you don't. You save people and you make sure that they are never left behind."_

_He embraced her in a hug as all of the fear and the insecureness drained out of him._

_"Don't you ever believe that you are anything but a hero, Scott."_

* * *

 

Shame rushed through Scott as his sobs grew louder. He couldn't do this. He wasn't a hero. He had left her like the monster he was and now it took a potentially fatal accident targeted by the world that he had brought her in to know just how bad he had been treating her. He had failed her the same way he had failed Alison. Even if Lydia was to wake up, Scott wasn't sure that he could ever look her in the eye ever again without seeing his mistakes written in the shadows behind her eyes. The shadows he had seen haunt her for months.

"Please...please just wake up." Scott tilted his head up, struggling and failing to keep the tears out of his eyes. "I know. I know how much you've been struggling now and I'm so sorry I didn't do anything to help." His eyes squeezed tight as more and more salty water leaked out of his puffy eyes.

"I know it's selfish to want you to be in a place that you definitely aren't happy in but I'm just that selfish because I need you. I can't do anything without you." His breath hitched as flashes of life without her burned itself on his brain causing his breathing to become more and more labored. "I love you so damn much so you can't leave me now. Please...don't leave me." He looked around at Kira, who was huddled on the floor next to Liam, to Derek who was looking at the door as if he could reverse everything that had happened to Lydia if he stared long enough."We need you but if you do choose to leave, I need you to know that I'll take care of them. I swear it, for you, for Alison, for everyone."

Scott's chest seized and a cold, metal hand grasped at his heart once more before releasing him allowing the Alpha to finally see what was going on around him. He would take care of the Pack even now when she wasn't yet gone.  

He quickly counted the heads and found two people to be missing. At first he couldn't come up with who wouldn't be here (it had been about an hour since he had called everyone in a panicked rush but it felt like a million years had passed) before a realization hit him. Stiles and Malia weren't here yet.

Anger surged in him and each second in which they weren't here made him grit his teeth even tighter until the moment that the white doors opened and two figures came stumbling through. Everyone looked up, but Scott kept his gaze cold before he looked up at Stiles. 

Before he could tell himself not to and that Lydia was right next door and negative energy wasn't good for her, Scott had slammed Stiles into the wall. "What were you thinking?! I called you an hour ago!" Letting go of Stiles, Scott turned his hands into fists with the knuckles bleeding white. 

Stiles had the decency to look appalled and downright angry. "I got here as soon as I finished buying some food for all of us! Malia and I were hungry and how are we supposed to stay if we can't even function so what the hell do you think you are doing slamming me into the wall like that?!" 

Scott shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe you changed so much. Remember when Peter attacked her? You ran at first tone! And that was back then when you guys weren't even that close! But now? This is unacceptable! You were her anchor and she was yours so why do you neglect that bond and instead opt for something that we don't need right now? That she doesn't need! She needs all of us here because she may very well be dying in there."

"And you. You changed. Ever since you got a girlfriend, you haven't been hanging out with her. The one person I thought that would never abandon her did that! She's been growing through a lot and guess what. Huh, Stiles? I just found out that that was exactly the reason that she didn't tell any of us that she was going to get hurt today and honestly I don't blame her."

Stiles began to cry as he raked his hands through his hair. "It used to hurt so much, Scott. I just needed a break from everything and oh my god. Why didn't she tell me? Oh my god what have I done?" He slumped on the wall until he fell completely done, his face scrunching together as he broke down.

Scott's face softened a little bit as he sat next to his best friend. "It hurts like hell that she would just leave us here. And that it took this for us to realize that we've both been neglecting her. She never said anything, did she? She was always too strong for that."

Undetected to Scott due to the quantity of misery around him, a waft of a tear fell from inside the operation room as water slipped out of the eyelid of an emerald eyed girl.

 

**The Best Friend**

"Best friends" weren't a term that Kira would apply to Lydia and herself but they were definitely close to it. Only a week ago did Lydia decide to hang out with Kira more often and the girl had thought that it was simply because the banshee's workload was lessening but now she knew the truth. She simply wanted to get to know Kira before she got into an accident which happened to not be an accident according to Scott's mother.

Kira cried, rocking back and forth with Liam. The poor boy had been taken under the wing of Lydia and had adjusted to his transformation from her wise advice. He had grown to care about her deeply and now she was snatched away from all of them as quick as she had come. It was too soon. Someone who deserved so much could not be slain by the very world she dedicated her days and nights to protect without having any of the people closest to her say their goodbyes and express how much they loved her for she was someone that no one could forget. Lydia Martin, the girl with the strut and tall heels, was a girl that was loved by many. 

She was loved by too many that she couldn't just leave them all here.

Kira immediately thought back to Alison. Coming into the battle, Alison had had none of her interests in mind. Instead, Alison had clearly said that she was there for her best friend that happened to be the very girl dying on a hospital bed only a few feet away from Kira. Fate must be laughing their heads off with a malicious gleam in their eyes if they thought any of this was okay. Alison and Lydia, the two strongest and selfless girls that Kira had ever met, were not supposed to be the ones that left everyone before those around them left.

Her gaze shot to Stiles and Scott. Both of the boys were a mess on the floor. Scott was still tapping his leg anxiously while listening to Lydia's heartbeat. His tears had dried and he had no more to shed but Stiles was just getting started. The grief surrounding Stiles, who Kira had always believed loved Lydia even in the very moment in which he had a hot werecoyote girlfriend, was palpable. There was so much sadness and darkness in Stiles's eyes as he muttered words under his breath. In fact, almost everyone was muttering prayers, bargains, and pleads so quietly that no one else could hear.

As Kira held Liam closer, she began to speak. "You can't leave, Lydia. When I first met you, I thought you were the most confident person I've ever seen and I'm right. You're confident and you're strong and you got through Alison's death which was so much harder than this so you will come back from this."

* * *

_"Tissue?" Kira looked up to see Lydia, who's eyes were puffed and red, holding out a tissue box. She was dressed in all black for the funeral and the bags under her eyes clearly showed that the banshee hadn't slept._

_Kira graciously accepted as she patted the space next to her for Lydia to sit. Feeling the shadow looming over her fall, she turned to the best friend of the huntress who was noticeably in pain. "How can you do any of this?"_

_"What do you mean?"_

_Kira took a deep breath, her breath quivering as her breaths shallowed. "How can you help people when you are one of those that are suffering the most? I haven't even known her for as long as you and you're still pulling together better than me."_

_A deep inhale sounded from the side of Kira and she was momentarily afraid that she had pushed too hard before Lydia spoke. "Someone once told me that death doesn't happen to you. It happens to everyone around you. A funeral isn't for the dead person. It's for those that are suffering because of the loss."  
_

_"I think that Alison would want me to help those that are suffering and that's how I'm honoring her. I'm helping Scott, Stiles, and her father and I might as well help you too. It makes me feel as if I'm finally doing something correct."_

* * *

 

The kitsune smiled a weak smile for a second as she recalled that day. After the funeral, Lydia had dragged her over to Scott's house to nurse all those that had been in emotional shock. She had been so strong that she hadn't even heard when Kira walked into Melissa's room to grab a Kleenex and instead found the strawberry blonde crumpled over, crying.

"Who will take care of all of us if you aren't here?" Kira found herself saying it aloud, catching the attention of everyone. They all looked at her with sad expressions and slumped back down.

The silence roared as it answered the question.

"No one. No one can do the same."

 

**The Tether**

Liam's anchor was Lydia, that was for sure. When he had become a werewolf, he hadn't been in control of himself and had constantly pushed Scott to his limit. If not for Lydia, none of the control and respect that he had slowly accumulated from his friends would be possible. Lydia covered for him every single time he got into trouble or had to leave and had helped him keep up with his grades at the same time as she helped the Pack research and sniff out danger which is why it hurt even more. She always made sure that nothing happened to everyone in the Pack but the one time that she gets into danger like this, he can't save her. 

The weight of Liam's guilt piled up as he pulled Kira in even closer. The girl was muttering a few prayers, even though Liam knew that she wasn't religious, and her eyes were glistening with fear and grief rolled all into one. He turned his attention back to the Operation room, nervousness seeping up in the whirlpool of emotions he was feeling. She was so strong, she  _had_ to make it.

Suddenly, Liam's mind shifted and a horrifying thought entered. If Lydia had known that she was going to die and told no one, what if she didn't want to make it? What if she just wanted it all to end? Liam had seen her fall and the depression that had overtaken her even though Alison's death had been months ago. What if Lydia, who carried too much weight that the Pack didn't notice and only Liam did, had lost her will to survive?

He shook his head as more tears fell down his face. She hadn't known that he had seen her that one night.

* * *

 

_He heard a sniffling in the room next door. Alarm shot through Liam as he silently and slowly moved to the door, creaking it open only a little. His eyes widened in shock as he realized who was in the room._

_Lydia was sprawled on the bed, her hair a mess as her tears stained the pillow. "Stop it, Lydia! He doesn't care anymore! Just let go, you dumb little imbecile!" She whispered harshly into the pillow, slamming her fast on the bedhead. He was a flash of red on her fists and before he knew what was doing, he had moved forward and pressed the combination of her elbow and neck that Lydia had taught him. She fell to the bed, whispering silent words as her eyes closed._

_Taking the ointment from the drawer, Liam gently placed cool cream on Lydia's wounds on her fists. He was horrified to see how much she had hurt herself. Streaks of angry scabs ran through her hands and a large gash ran from the tip of her pointer finger to the bottom of her thumb. "I'm sorry," he said to the unconscious girl, "that I know who you want here and I can't help you. I feel so helpless. Just please, Lydia, promise me that if anything bad is happening to you or will happen to you that you'll tell me."_

* * *

Pain seized Liam and he crumpled once more, his body failing to lift itself up. He may be an all powerful werewolf but what use was it when he couldn't save those that he loved? If he couldn't race faster than time to save her when she had sent him a panicked text only the night before full of "I love you's?" He should've known something was up and gone to save her just in time. 

But the clock just kept ticking.

 

**The Fellow Broken One**

Derek couldn't believe what was happening. Sure, he had known that the "invincible" period that all of the Pack had been going through would end but he had never thought that it'd be broken by Lydia. Derek had seen the extent of Lydia's injuries and there was nearly no chance that she could recover. On the scene when he had rushed after hearing her bloodcurdling scream, he had tried to turn her in a panicked rush before realizing that it wouldn't help. She was a Banshee and Banshees couldn't be turned.

"No." He muttered. Dammit he should've been able to do something! He had never felt so helpless in his life. "You don't get to do this to me. Everyone I have loved is gone so you can't do that too. God dammit Lydia you can't do this to me!" Derek slammed his fist into the wall, anger propelling him. The pain rain through him but he felt numb all over.

"You can't leave us." Kira, Scott, Stiles, Liam? They'd suffer. Scott and Stiles were already beating themselves up and Kira and Liam were just a sloppy mess. As for Derek, the pain was less. After so many deaths, the pain slowly eases out when a new tragedy occurs. "They loss Alison. They can't lose you."

"Fight, Lydia. If not for me, fight for them."

 

**The Lover**

The Operation Room opened and everyone held their breaths. The room was filled with tension and anxiousness as the doctor pulled off his mask and switched the lights on the "Operation" sign. Stiles's heart was beating so fast that he was sure that he would be the one needing medical attention in the end but all he could focus on was the fate of the Banshee. According to Scott, her heart was still beating but there was no clue as to how the injuries would affect her or if she would even make it.

If she didn't, he would go out of his mind.

The doctor cleared his throat. "Lydia Martin has suffered from major blood loss on top of her conditions prior to the accident. Her situation is grim and while she isn't on life support now, we believe that she won't be able to sustain herself through the night." 

His heart stopped beating altogether.

"The next 48 hours are critical. Even if she makes it through, there's no telling how damaged she'll be. I'm sorry."

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for the next chapter! That'll be all about Stiles!

**Author's Note:**

> This killed me inside :( but it felt so raw.


End file.
